I’ve had a rough few days. A rough month or so, honestly. I’ve just felt off emotionally since Christmas and it has gotten worse each week, especially on the weekends. I’ve been eating more than I should and veering dangerously close to binge eating on occasion. I’ve always struggled with overeating; for me, eating was/is a way to help fill a void, an emptiness that I’m still grappling with on a daily basis. On the whole, that emptiness or void is much smaller than it used to be, and most days it’s manageable. I can ignore it and move on. But lately, that hasn’t really been the case.
I definitely am experiencing some post-Christmas blues. I miss my family, I miss having their help with my newly adopted dog, and I miss being surrounded by such a loving environment. I have been trying to make friends in my new town, but it’s hard since there isn’t really much of a young, singles scene here in town. So that, combined with our really awful weather of late (cold, rainy, gray) has really not helped bump my mood.
I might have mentioned this before, but I’m signed up for a half-marathon on May 20th in my hometown (isn’t the logo pretty?):
I signed up back in September so I couldn’t chicken out – the money’s been paid, friends are running it with me, and I’ve told everyone I know that I’m running it. Work knows, friends know, family knows, etc. There’s no getting out of it now! But May 20th seems a hell of a lot closer now than it did in September, and I’ve basically been a couch potato for the last month. I’ve told myself that it’s because I’m taking a break before I start intensely training, that since my gym has been closed and my trainer on vacation, etc, that just walking the dog is enough for now. But it’s NOT enough. I’m so close to a HUGE goal – 100 pounds lost – and I’m choking at the last minute. I’m afraid of this success, I’m afraid of hitting 100 pounds and that, while it’s an AMAZING milestone, it hasn’t fundamentally changed who I am on the inside. And I hate that, despite all of my amazing successes within the past 18 months, I’m still afraid to fail. So afraid I’m almost making it so that I have no choice but to fail.
So today I’m starting over. I’m pushing that emotional baggage to the side and leaving it where it belongs. I’m going to focus on the wonderful, amazing things I’ve accomplished and I am going to make a concrete training plan for the next few months. Because I’m not going to let this fear hold me back anymore. I’m going to remember that I bought a J. Crew dress and blazer in a 10 this weekend. I’m going to remember that I’ve already lost 96 pounds, and while hitting the 100 pound mark is certainly really freaking exciting, it’s just going to be another milestone on the way to the fittest, happiest me I can be.
Because I’m stronger and more determined than the fear.