This is the first post in a series where I check in on my 2012 goals. The introductory post is found here.
(image via girlatthewell)
Is Fear Holding Me Back?
On the surface, no, fear isn’t holding me back. I’m successfully training for my first half marathon in May and I just ran an 8-mile race. In addition, I work out with my trainer three times per week and we’ve been pushing through a lot of my limits lately. I’m trying new foods, new exercises, and conquering some lingering workout fears like using the plyo box for jumps.
But a little bit deeper, things aren’t so sunny. My eating and spending have really been veering back into dangerous territory. I can’t stop myself from “cheating” and overindulging/bingeing or buying things I can’t afford and don’t need. While I’m not inhaling bags of Cheetos, tortilla chips, and Oreos anymore, I am bingeing on “approved” foods like dark chocolate almonds, low carb cinnamon bread, and veggie chips.
This doesn’t seem that bad - on the whole those are relatively foods and my definition of bingeing has seriously evolved from two years ago when I was at my heaviest - but it’s the out-of-control feeling surrounding this behavior that has me concerned. I feel out of control when I binge or overspend and while the food or purchase is immediately comforting in the short term, it always leaves me feeling worse about myself once that initial high has worn off. Then the anxiety, self-loathing, and self-doubt kick in, I reach for food or something to buy, and I’m repeating the downward spiral over and over again.
Simultaneously, I’ve been lingering deliciously close having lost 100 pounds for over six weeks now, but haven’t crossed the threshold. The same thing happened when I weighed in at 201 pounds - I kept bouncing between 201 and 207 for several months before finally getting into ONEderland. It’s like I’m afraid to achieve this goal, like I’m stopping myself just short of success because I’m scared to have actually accomplished something big.
Since I know how to succeed in the face of this fear, I’m taking control again. On Sunday I went to Costco and stocked up on veggies, lean protein, and other healthy foods. I cleaned out the fridge, chopped veggies for snacks, and cooked a healthy dinner with enough portions for several days. And since tracking my foods in my myfitnesspal diary worked for 18 months, I restarted journaling everything I eat.
And when the urge to binge or buy something hits, I’m going to stop and ask myself if this is something I really want long-term or if I’m satisfying a short-term, emotional urge.
How do you deal with fear? How do you conquer it?